So I sat with some heaviness last night, the feeling of too much going on in multiple domains. Emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations. A broad and encompassing discomfort, sitting with stress and anticipation about the week ahead with the funeral but also with what’s beyond in life, work and love. No definite marker, nothing to grasp onto and identify as the source of this discomfort. Instead, a deep mix of all – thoughts, feelings, imagery, the body all weaved together into a perfect-imperfect tapestry of being.

This is how things are and that’s ok. It’s normal to feel like this now – how much has changed in life in this past month? A storm of immense proportions that you have been riding in this great, vast ocean.

Some insight came, that brilliant glistening of something from the depths. Part intellectual realisation, formulated in thought, but consolidated and felt through emotional, feeling based releases, manifesting in light, bliss and blossoming visual awareness… Ohh how sweet it is to have unlocked these capacities this year, to truly feel wisdom unfold at a level I didn’t think was possible.

So what was this insight? A continuation of insights held – non-duality – holding seemingly contradictory states, those binaries as framed in language coming unstuck and being held together simultaneously. From before the idea of love and loss as inseperable, held in a tight exchange, the ying-yang, either side of the same coin. Now blossoming and holding broader concepts, themes and feelings.

So from my annual reflection, carrying on with strength and open-heartedness felt key this year. To move forwards with confidence, determination, my father’s energy and keen sense of adventure. All this, while remaining true to my emotions and love, to let those blossom and sprout buds of potentialities not previously felt. To avoid calcification, the withdrawal from difficulty, dissociation masked by a veneer of outer strength. To equally avoid an immense opening and the oceans of vulnerability leaving me unmoored in the great existenstial depths.

To somehow establish a rhythm that pays tribiute to both the mobilising force of strength and the deep moving capacities of love.

In that moment, I realised these were the same thing. To truly be strong, means to be open to all that the world has to offer, each moment, each feeling, the resonant beat of beauty, love, loss and pain in an endless, unfolding symphony. How can one be strong without an open heart? This would merely be the appearance of strength, shielding from the great pain and dread feared under the depths. How can one be open without succumbing to entropy and falling into despair and madness without holding this space of openness with great strength and courage?

No, these must sit together, to be open, to let the heart unfold is a sign of great inner strength and resolve. For these are the spaces that touch us most deeply – how we experience love and loss – the bitter-sweet symphony of life (to quote the Verve!) are the markers of how we experience life, this beautiful and tragic dance of paradox. Everything is here. When stripped down, fabrications layered back, the pulsating pure awareness holds the potential for all, the buds of all possibilities, the source of all rivers, the roots of all trees and knowledge. In this infinite space of possibilities there is deep solace – all can be held and reconciled, there is great peace and beauty. I believe this is the source, God, the place my father now rests and where I can visit him to feed my strength and courage and to open my heart in these moments ahead. In this, I find great comfort. All is ok.